Its been a while since I wrote
something, anything on this blog... so much has been happening over
the last few years... so here is something that is not directly
related to massage, but...
Abuse
I was a severely abused child.
Mentally, verbally, and physically. I have the emotional scars to
prove it. I know what its like to feel helpless, abandoned, useless,
and unloved. I've been thrown through walls, doors, tossed down
stairs, punched, kicked... I've been called names, called fat,
worthless, an a useless piece of shit... “you will never amount to
anything”... yup, I've heard it all... The saddest part of this all
is that this was a normal occurrence in my childhood life... it never
leaves my mind, even as an adult.
No one should ever feel this way...
ever. The worst part of this is that it wasn't an uncle or a friend of
the family, but my own flesh and blood. My father... He was truly a
horrible person. What makes it worse is that thee were moments when
he was nice. He gave me wonderful things and took me to wonderful
places. Fishing trips, camping trips, our summers seemed filled with
fun. I guess I realize now that a lot of it may have been just guilt
driven.
I know I never did anything wrong that
would have deserved being punched in the face, having to go to school
with a shiner the size of a small island... and yes, “I walked
into... something” because “if you tell anyone, I will beat the
shit out of you again!” hearing this as a child was one of the
worst things ever... you know they are going to beat you for nothing
anyways, but still... Hes telling me “I'm going to beat the shit out
of you... you little piece of shit” “you worthless fuck”
I wish I could say that this was all
made up in my mind, but I cant. Even as an adult I have others that
have seen and heard things. Moments in my life even I don't remember.
My sister recently said she remembers sitting on the floor, as a
child, playing with our sister. I was walking down the hallway and he
came out of know where. He punched me so hard that I flew back into
the closet. She said that she saw me fly through the door of the
closet... she said there was no reason for this, but he was angry at
me for something. This moment in my childhood, I don't remember. I
have no recollection of this whats so ever... none... this is not the
only moment that she can recall. My aunt has also seen things. There
was a moment when we were kids that my aunt and uncle drove a
mudbogger. Fun times there. She remembers me being beaten during one
of these camping weekend. She tried to intervene, telling him to
stop beating me, but he didn't. He only told her to shut the fuck up
or he would do the same to her... I guess her friend came out of the
woodwork that day.... promised him if he laid a hand on her or me
again he would never leave the woods... that's scary, even as an adult
hearing that...
You know the sick thing is, he claims
to have never done anything to me... he doesn't know why I am making
it all up...
Recently, with passing of my
grandmother, stories have been rising from the woodwork. I heard a
story of my father being beaten on the lawn of his childhood home by
his father. My grandfather, who use to beat us kids with a yellow
whiffleball bat, for nothing more than being kids... I heard he was
hitting him so hard that he actually had his first heart attack right
there on the lawn...
father abuses son... son becomes a
father... father abuses son... seems like a really bad after school
special... and a chain that I luckily broke. There are many memories
I have from my childhood of abuse. I try to let them go, but still
some days are worse than others.
I am glad that I am NOT like my father,
or whoever he actually was.
My aunt, at my grandmothers services
actually tried to force me to talk to him. “it's what your
grandmother would have wanted” “do it for her” “you'll regret
it later”
he actually tried to shake my hand and
thank me for coming to his mothers service...
my response was “my grandmother!”
oh I cant tell you how badly I really
do want to bury the hatchet... deep within his skull.
He hurt me for so many years, he
treated me like garbage, hes treated most people that have been in
his life like garbage... my step mom... I know he hit her, I know he
abused her, I know he cheated on her, I know she stayed because of
us... the kids... yup, I live with that...
my biological mother its about the same
as he was... she let her, now dead, ex boyfriend terrorize my sister
and I. He was abusive, angry, and mean as hell... she just chalked it
up to us being horrible kids. I remember he pinching and slapping me,
calling me names, and blah blah, blah... but I think the worst was
when her bf was on top of my little sister, beating the shit out of
her... he had pinned her to the floor in front of the couch and was
slapping her in the face, calling her names, and he wasn't stopping. I
think I was 13/14? I remember screaming at him to get off my sister,
trying to pull him off of her and screaming at her to run... I
remember doing anything I could to get him off of her. She got free
and grabbed a baseball bat. I screamed at her to run and get out...
we rolled around on the floor a bit. I was stronger than him, maybe
just so filled with rage. He had hurt me and my sister for too
long!!! I remember wanting to kill him, I didn't care of the
consequences. I just wanted to beat the shit out of his face... I
pounded him as much as I possibly could, I don't remember stopping, I
don't remember his hits even affecting me... I remember the words...”
you fat piece of shit, I'm going to beat the fuck out of you, I'm going
to kill you, you little fat fuck, you worthless piece of shit”...
yup
The kicker is, when it was over, the
police wanted to take me into custody... because it was all my
fault... yup
I have quite a few memories of that
“family” as well...
I don't talk to my parents, I don't
recognize them as my parents, they gave birth to me, and abused me...
that about what I've got..
My grandmothers services brought all
kinds of things out and I'm sure there will be more as the days,
weeks, and years move on...
my cousin... years ago I heard a rumor
that filtered through the family. It was years after and I was the
last to know, funny how that happens, it caused me to stop talking
and associating with most of them. Its caused me some emotional
baggage... I guess she claims I touched her as a child. I'm not sure
of how deeply this story goes, but I can only imagine... this cousin
and I were never close, never alone together, and I'm not sure either
one of us liked each other... so I'm not sure how something could have
ever happened... It didn't.. I know this... but rumors, as we know how
they are... speaks of someone else in the family actually touching
her and even worse. This one has the same name as I do... brothers as I
heard. Wasn't the first time, wasn't the first cousin... but I'm the one
named... so I don't talk to her, to her parents, or the family. Makes
for really uncomfortable services... and the two that possibly did
this... are really messed up... drugs, alcohol, you name it... and I'm
the black sheep... yup
Children
As a father, I understand guilt
driven... I find myself buying my sons things to make up for the
problems they have with their own mom. They seem to have nothing
there and the stuff they do have is threatened to be thrown away or
just sometimes tossed to make some point. So I do what I think is
right and buy something to take the place of what they don't have
there. I take them on adventures, out for ice cream, anywhere that I
can afford, and sometimes cant...
They have been in and out of counseling
for similar issues that I had as a child. I've heard stories of abuse
(mental, physical, and verbal). Yes DCYF has been involved... many
times... always “unfounded” or “doesn't rise to the level.”
Doesn't rise to the level of what? Someone that is suppose to love
them, cherish them, and take care of them is hitting them, abusing
them... verbally assaulting them, verbally assaulting their father,
forcing them to write out pages of words in a barely lit damp cold
basement, forcing them to do military “bear crawls shirtless, while
hitting them with a belt.” yup... but none of that rises to the
level... they've come home with bruises that they don't want to talk
about and if they do they are in fear of telling anyone because they
will get into more trouble. Their mom actually tells them “do NOT
tell your father what goes on in this house,” “your dad doesn't
love you,” “your dad hurt me,” “ your father is a fat useless
piece of shit'” (seems everyone likes to use that one),
I had taken my youngest to a parent
teacher conference. He was so happy to take me into his classroom
and show me all the work he had done. We got into the room and he
quickly stopped and backed into me... They we both there... his mom
and his “Step father.” he was scared. He didn't know they were
going to be there and neither did I. The conversation was all about
how “we love you” and “want the best for you” “whats the
matter bud? Why do you not like school” “why do you not want any
friends?” “why are you not doing your classwork, following
directions, listening?” “what can we do to help?” “we want
you to succeed.”
Now all of this was hard, even for
me... with all I know and have heard from this child. I sat there
pretty quiet... I was uneasy and even his teacher knew it. We talked
the day after about it. We talk almost every few days as it was. I
knew what was going on and so did she, and so did the last three
teachers that he had... I sat through this meeting. The whole time my
son was physically shaken by the presence in the room. The meeting
wrapped up and we left together. He didn't say much until be were
driving down the road to home. He ask why they were there. Why they
acted like they cared about him. He said they didn't care about him
and that they he felt like they didn't love him. He said they hurt him
and make him feel bad, about himself, about his dad, about school. He
said that he was told he was “a stupid kid” he was a “bad kid”
and he was “just like his dad.” Heartbreaking... hearing a child
say things like this... He asked if he could just stay home and never
go back to that house. He said he hated it there. He was treated like
a baby and he was always treated bad by his mom, his step dad, and
his siblings in that family. He said that his mom yelled at him all
the time. That she made him take care of hos baby sister that he
hated. I'm sure he didn't mean that, but hes not feeling well about
things there. He talked about a moment years ago when his mom, him,
and his brothers were at the local farmers market. His mom was mad
at him and she grabbed his hand, twisted his wrist, and forced him to
the ground. “She hurt me, she hates me, I'm a bad kid.” This was a
story I had heard a few years ago from not just him but both of his
brothers. Three, almost identical stories from three completely
different children... it never seems to stop... even when DCYF, the
police department, and counselors, school, and others are involved.
It gets better for a little bit, then it goes right back into the
same...
All three of my sons have similar
issues with their mothers... for my oldest, it seems to had gotten so
bad that the tables turned, he became a different person, smoked,
drank, and turned on me... the only one that seemed to not have hurt
him. It got so bad. Suicidal ideations, homicidal thoughts, even
thoughts of killing me... he was dirty, disheveled, his room was a
disaster, the smell was unbearable... and now he lives with the one
that caused all of that.. His mother... more abuse, more neglect,
more damage... and all I can do is let go and hope that someday he
thinks clearly and gets a grip on his life... another chapter...
As an adult it hasn't changed much,
different people, different relationship statuses, and different
forms of abuse.., I've heard it all... I've been punched and kicked
and slapped by those who swore they loved me. I've been cheated on and
had the tables turned around as I was the one cheating... I've heard
horrible lies and stories told by those people after the
relationships ended, how I abused them, how I forced them to do
horrible things, and how I treated them so badly... I even recently
heard the “R” word used from a relationship that almost broke me
mentally and physically. It almost distinguished my inner light... I
feel it may have damaged part of my soul and I find myself
questioning everything I hear... the good and the bad...Its not just
friends and friends of friends or even those I don't know. Its family,
blood, my children... Yeah... Me... the big bad guy... I was told
once “who do you think they are going to believe? You? This big
beast of a man? Or me? A tiny little woman that couldn't defend
herself. Someone that couldn't or wouldn't hurt anyone...” Those
words have stuck with me since... Like a hammer driving a nail...
That relationship cost me quite a bit.. financially it destroyed me.
It hurt my business, some of which I'm sure was caused by made up
stories told after the fact.. I lost friends... loved ones... I lost
stuff... everything “we” built together was taken... and I hear
that she left with nothing... yup
I laugh and say that the only thing not
taken was my children and my drums... the sad thing is that's about
it... everything that was left other than that was just garbage she
didn't want... me being one of them...
my children have heard that I don't
work, I'm lazy, I'm a piece of shit, I'm stupid, I hurt people, I hurt
their mom... and I still hear it... not only is the damage still
being done too me, but my children as well...
I feel I could write a book on that
whole relationship. It would be something that no one would ever
believe.. I don't even believe it...
None of which is true, I treated her as
I've treated anyone in my life, especially someone I loved. I
cherished her as my equal or better, I was caring, giving, and I
worked really hard to try to give her everything she needed and
wanted. There was never any abuse, no physical, no mental, no verbal,
and no not sexual (yes, this one came up recently, from my 12 year old)... No I never cheated... I don't lie... I could
bring myself to hurt someone, anyone like that, especially someone I
cared about so deeply... every word and action has been turned around
and used to the advantage of someone that wants to appear to be the
victim... but its still another dig on my already beaten and damaged
mind... Ive been broken down so many times that really I should just
give up... Right? I should do exactly what those people want me to
do.. Hurt someone, become the person they want to believe and have
told others I am, kill myself? Yup I even heard this one as well...
in court, through friends, even through family... She tells people
that I tried once, but was too much of a coward to pull the
trigger... Its never been a thought in my mind. That's not an option
for me...I was not put here to become that person. I was put here to
help. I am a good person.. I am human, I make mistakes, but I am
good... I am the light
so if you hear a well put together
story, its probably just that... a well put together and thought out
story... no truth or merit to it, at all... its sad actually that
someone would want to hurt their own soul by lying... you have to pay
for those lies some day...
I pray that those who have done such
horrible things get help, seek out counseling, ask for forgiveness,
and mean it... the damage done is not just mental.. it affects the
body as well as the mind... its crippling and debilitating... I will
pray for you. I will pray that you are given the gift of healing...
for you and those you have hurt...
My loves are hurting... some things,
most of it, I cant even talk about... someone has hurt them, they
have been abused, they have been neglected, they feel as its their
fault for staying in unhealthy relationships... physically, mentally,
verbally, and sexually... and we all know these people... they are
our family, our friends, our loved ones...
they are scared, they feel alone, they
feel worthless, and they are tired of fighting... their heads are
filled with these thoughts and others. It makes their days hard to
get anything done, makes them feel like they are not loved... and I
know this doesn't even scratch the surface...
Please, Please, Please send out
blessings of love and light to them. Send out blessings of love and
light to all of your friends, your family, even those you don't
know... you may not realize, but everyone is hurting right now. Step
up, step out, and help.
Call someone, text someone, offer a
listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a hug... it could save a life.
It could be the start of some much needed healing therapy... Don't
just try... Do it!!!
I am not a religious person, I have my
own beliefs, I am spiritual...I am Native, yes there is native blood
running though this body... I do believe there is something greater
than us... greater than me... I don't judge others on their
religions... all religions are naturally the same... “LOVE” be
kind, do good, think of others... its all basic principals that we
should all live by...
I teach my sons “treat others as you
want to be treated” I expect them to do so, although I have been
spoken to many times and told that you can raise a child to be the
best they can be and yet they will still make mistakes and they can
choose to be the opposite of what you have taught them...
Luckily for me, I found out early on
how not to treat people. I use my knowledge to help others with their
own demons. No, I cant cure anyone, I am not a doctor... I am the
light... Ive been there, Ive struggled, and some days I still
struggle... I am human.
You are loved, you are wonderful, and
you are wanted...
Why am I telling you all of this? Why
am I putting this all out there for the whole world to read? Is this
everything? far from it... just a jumbled bunch of words from my
head... hoping it reaches someone... anyone.. just to let YOU are not
alone... YOU are loved!!! YOU are wanted!!! YOU are enough!!! And
YOU... Yes YOU can do it!!! and if you need, reach out, reach out to
me, I will talk, I will listen, I will be present...
Love and light... A'ho
